How am I Supposed to Live Without You?
by Grey-EyedGirl
Summary: Season 9 spoilers. After Grissom leaves Catherine pushes her feelings aside, not wanting to deal with them. But when this becomes too much and she finds herself drunk, her control over her actions may slip... and leave her with interesting consequences...
1. Chapter 1

**Originally this was intended to be a one-shot, but the final product is something like 4,000 words, so I've decided to make it a two chapter story, albeit a very long two chapter story. The second part will be up once I tweak it a bit and finish the ending.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, or any of the songs I've used, which I will list at the end so that I don't ruin the surprise. :) **

Catherine stood in Grissom's office, looking at the boxes that remained, the few pickled animals that still sat on the shelf… She still couldn't believe he had left, left his friends, left the lab… left her. He didn't even say goodbye, not that courtesy and manners were his forte, but she had expected after all the years they had been together, and all the things that they had been through, she would have gotten more than a smile and a nod as he left. And what did she do? She winked. She winked, and then he left.

Catherine knew that Gil was her best friend, and she knew that when he left it would hurt her, but she didn't know how deeply it would or, although she tried to quell her feelings, she knew what she had always known in the back of her mind; that what she felt for him was more than just friendship. And, though she had tried not to admit it to herself, when he said that Sara was the only woman he had ever loved it had hurt, and she tried to ignore it, and pretend that she was happy he had found someone. But she wasn't.

And now all she had was the God awful fetal pig he had given her, and memories of all they had done… and hadn't done… As she felt the tears begin to brim she knew she had to get out of there. Get out of the lab and all that reminded her of Grissom.

She stormed out, not caring that she got a few curious glances as she whizzed past people. She was so focused on getting out as quickly as possible that she almost ran right into Nick as she rounded a corner.

"Hey Cath, what's up?" Nick asked, but then he took in the look on her face. "Catherine, what's wrong?"

Catherine took a deep breath, put on a brave face, trying to smile, but failing miserably, "It's nothing Nick, I just- I'm gonna head out, maybe get a drink somewhere."

"By yourself?" He asked, looking slightly concerned.

"Yeah… I need some time to think. I'll see ya." She walked away before he could object anymore. Nick knew that Grissom's leaving had had its toll on everyone in the office, but, try as she might to hide it, he knew it had affected Catherine the most. It hurt him to see her in so much pain, but he knew that he needed to give her space and time.

Once her car door closed Catherine felt her control over her emotions begin to slip, but she tried to fight it, not wanting to break down. She had stopped breaking down over men a long time ago. She pulled out of the lab parking lot and decided against the usual place she got drinks with the team from time to time. Catherine wanted to go somewhere that held no memories, and wouldn't remind her of him… She turned on the radio; the silence in the car was giving her nothing to think about except that which she was trying to forget. The sound of Bonnie Tyler vibrated loudly in the car, and Catherine turned the volume down a bit, making a mental note to talk to Lindsey about proper radio volume. Suddenly Catherine realised what song was playing and she laughed bitterly at the irony as Bonnie belted on:

_It's a heartache, nothin' but a heartache_

_Love him 'til your arms break, then he'll let you down_

_It ain't right with love to share_

_When you find he doesn't care, for you_

_It ain't wise to need someone, as much as I depended on_-

Catherine flipped the channel, not able to take that song, and the emotions it was stirring up anymore. A soft Allison Krauss song took the place of the previous blaring 80's one.

_And there's a storm that's raging _

_Through my frozen heart tonight_

_I hear your name in certain circles_

_And it always makes me smile_

_I spend my time thinking about you_

_And it's almost driving me wild_

_And that's my heart that's breaki_-

"Seriously?" Catherine asked no one in particular as she changed the station once more. What had seemed amusing was now just starting to sadden her even more, and annoy her.

_I can't make you love me if you don't_

_You can't make your heart feel, somethin' it won't_-

Catherine turned the radio off with such force she was sure she may have broken it. She felt her tears burning her eyelids as they threatened to fall, but she bit her bottom lip and held them in, knowing that salvation was now just a few miles away.

_______________________________________________________________________

Nick walked into the remote bar a few hours later. Knowing Catherine like he did, he figured she wouldn't want to go to the usual place. He had felt the same way after Warrick had died; the place brought back too many memories. He scanned the room, hoping she was there, but also hoping she wasn't. He didn't like the idea of Catherine drinking her troubles away. But, sure enough, when he looked over at the bar she was sitting there; her head propped up unsteadily by her hand as she downed a drink that he was guessing wasn't her first, or even her third. He approached her, his heavy footsteps causing her to turn around quickly, almost resulting in her falling clean off her stool, but she managed to steady herself, and she smiled as her eyes focused on him.

"Nicky!" She exclaimed, and he could tell she had had way too much to drink. "You wanna join me in a drink?" She slurred.

He shook his head as he took the seat next to her. "No thanks Cath and I don't think you should have anymore either." She glared unfocusedly at him.

"Well at least let me finish this one," she said, pointing unnecessarily at the glass in her hand. Nick agreed, but she didn't take a sip, she just stared at the counter. After a few minutes Nick slowly reached out and plucked the glass from her hands.

"C'mon Cath, I'll take you home," he said, standing up, but she remained where she was.

"I'm just as pretty as she is," Catherine said, seemingly out of the blue.

"What?" Nick asked, genuinely puzzled. Catherine turned her confused and helpless eyes on him and the look panged him.

"Right?" She asked, searching his eyes for confirmation he didn't know how to give. "And, ok, so she did college the 'right way,'" her overly gesticulated air quotes almost caused her to lose her balance again and Nick sat back down, putting his arm on her shoulder to steady her. She seemed un-phased by all this and continued. "But I'm just as smart as her! And I've known him longer; I thought we were best friends..." Nick could see she was on the verge of tears now, and he suddenly knew who she was talking about.

"Cath-" he started to say, but she interrupted him, her voice thick with emotion.

"What did I do wrong?" Nick had never seen Catherine so distraught, and it was definitely a heartbreaking sight. He reached out and pulled her into a hug.

"You didn't do anything wrong," he whispered soothingly. He could hear her sniffling as she held back tears, and felt her shake her head against him.

"I must have, I can't think of any other reason… he just left…" Nick pulled her out of the embrace and bent his head down a bit to meet her eyes.

"Listen to me; you are one of the best people I know. You're strong, courageous, kind, a great boss, a great mother and a great friend. There is nothing wrong with you, any man would be lucky to have you. It's Grissom's problem if he doesn't realise what he is missing. You can't blame yourself Catherine." His words seemed to bring her some comfort and she managed a small smile, and a tiny nod.

"Thanks Nicky."

"No thanks needed, it was the truth. Now let's get you home." He stood up and forgot about Catherine's inebriated state until she stood to follow him and stumbled, almost hitting the floor face first. Nick caught her easily and they slowly made their way out of the bar, Nick practically carrying her out. After attempting to just give her his arm to help her into his Tahoe, he finally had to pick her up and place her in the car. She had stopped talking so the ride was becoming awkwardly silent. Nick reached over and turned the radio on, and his favourite country station began blaring through the speakers.

Catherine groaned, "Nick? Even drunk I can't take that music." He chuckled and changed the channel to an oldies one. At first Catherine didn't really hear the lyrics, her muddled brain only taking in the melody, but then she recognized the song and the lyrics hit her like doing a shot of Greg's coffee.

_I could hardly believe it, when I heard the news today_

_I had to come and get it straight from you_

_They said you were leaving; someone swept your heart away_

_From the look upon your face I see it's true_

Catherine felt her chest constrict and she found herself moved. By a cheesy 80's song. Although later she would attribute this to her high level of intoxication, in the moment the song was causing the feelings she had been fighting for God knows how long to come spilling forth.

_Tell me how am I supposed to live without you_

_Now that I've been lovin' you so long_

_How am I supposed to live without you_

_And how am I supposed to carry on_

_When all that I've been living for is gone_

It was then that Catherine lost all control and began to sob. Nick, who had been zoning out as he drove, jumped slightly at her sudden outburst of emotion. He turned the volume down a little so that she could hear him.

"Hey Hon, it's alright, we're almost there." He tried to be as comforting as possible, but she looked so beyond repair that he felt it tearing at his heart.

"The… the song," she choked, "it's true… it's all true." Her tears subsided a little and she was able to make out:

_How can I blame you, when I built my world around_

_The hope that one day, we'd be so much more than friends_

This caused another tidal wave of tears to come flowing down her face, and Nick was thankful that they had made it to her house. He pulled into the driveway and turned the car off, but remained inside, reaching his hand out to hold hers and waiting until her tears had settled to small sniffles before getting out. He went around and opened the door for Catherine, supporting her as she walked unsteadily out.

After retrieving the house key from her purse, Nick opened the door and walked in, steering her towards the couch. She sat down without protest and stared at the wall.

"I'm going to go and make a phone call and then get you some water," Nick assured her as he walked out of the room. He needed to call Greg to see if he could swing by Catherine's to pick him up, and then his car which was still in the bar parking lot.

Catherine felt like lying on the couch and crying some more, but something that Nick had said tugged at her jumbled brain. _Phone call._ Phone call! She reached quickly for her purse and retrieved her cell phone. She held down the 3 button and the phone began to ring. After a few more rings it jumped to voicemail: "This is Gil Grissom, leave me a message and I will return your call as soon as possible."

"Gil!" Catherine began, her voice, had she not downed five vodkas in just a few hours, would have had its usual reprimanding tone, but it just sounded like a child trying to scold a parent. "It's Catherine, Catherine Willows; your 'best friend.'" Once again the air quotes threw her off and she tumbled off the couch, landing softly on the floor. "Sorry," she mumbled into the phone, rubbing her elbow, "What was I saying…? Oh! Right; it's me. I just wanted to tell you how dishapoint-dish-…unhappy I am with you! Apparently I'm not your best friend, because best friends confide in each other. You went and dated Sara, you didn't even tell me!" Catherine stood up and began pacing unsteadily as she talked. "And while we're on the subject of that, what's the deal with… that? Do you know how much it hurt? All those years of me and you flirting and- you know what? It sucks to be led on like that Gil! It hurt, especially to be led on by someone you love!... That's right; I love you. Look out," she exclaimed loudly, throwing her hands up in the air, "Catherine's sharing her feelings!"

Catherine's raised voice had caught Nick's attention, and he tried to quickly finish up his phone conversation with Greg. Meanwhile Catherine's tone had taken a softer one, and she stopped pacing. "I regret not doing anything about it now, because- my god- you don't know how excruciating it was, pretending to be happy for you, watching you and Sara together."

Nick hung up and could only vaguely hear what she was saying and he began to walk closer, wondering who the hell she was talking to. Catherine's voice flared up again, "But you know what this is really all about? What this all boils down to?!" Nick began walking faster, he had a feeling she wasn't ordering a pizza. He entered just in time to hear: "My tush!"

"Catherine, hang up the phone!" He ordered in alarm, rushing over, not wanting her to embarrass herself further.

But she continued, "You liked it before, what changed, huh?" Nick wrestled the phone from her hands and snapped it shut quickly. "Hey!" She exclaimed, "I wasn't finished yet!"

"Please…" Nick said solemnly, "tell me that wasn't Grissom."

TBC…

**A/N: The songs, in order, were: It's a Heartache by Bonnie Tyler, Missing You by Alison Krauss and John Waite, I Can't Make You Love Me by Bonnie Raitt, and then How am I Supposed to Live Without You by Laura Branigan. The last song was one that I thought fit the Gil/Cath situation so well, the lyrics are just so perfect, and sad… **


	2. Chapter 2

"Well, technically it was his machine," she replied, and then started giggling at her joke; eventually falling on the couch, her laughter subsiding and her eyes began to droop. Nick was now pacing, wondering what he should do. He didn't know if calling Grissom to explain would help, or just make things worse. He heard a soft sigh and looked over to see Catherine passed out on her couch. One thing was certain; when Catherine woke up tomorrow she would not be happy…

Nick walked over and scooped her up into his arms, carrying her to her bed, setting her down gently, and pulling the fluffy comforter up to her chin. He took in her tear-stained face and felt his heart sink again. She had definitely dug herself into a deep hole.

Nick debated whether or not he should stay. He looked at the clock and was surprised to see the time. Nick's shift started in just a few hours, and although he would have liked to stay until she woke up, he needed sleep, not to mention a shower. He finally decided a note would suffice. The note explained the situation briefly, but Nick was hoping she would remember at least some of it. He crept quietly back in her room and left the note on top of her alarm, which he turned on for her. Although she needed her sleep, Nick knew she would be angry if she was late to work. He walked out, closing the door softly behind him and left.

* * *

The blaring of Catherine's alarm was not a pleasant wake up call for a woman with a severe hangover. She stretched her arm out as far as it would go, pushing aside some papers or something as she shut it off with a vicious slap. She sat up slowly, clutching her forehead and groaning. The pounding in her head was so great she wouldn't have been surprised if an anvil was resting on it. As she slowly took in her surrounding she realized she was still in her clothes from the night before. _What the hell happened?_ She wondered. As she tried to piece it together all she could remember was going to the bar, drinking… a lot, something about Bonnie Tyler… and Nick! Nick had driven her home, and then… what? Catherine deduced that she must have passed out and Nick had put her in her bed, and even set her alarm. She made a mental note to thank him and got out of bed, heading unsteadily to the medicine cabinet.

* * *

Catherine entered the crime lab a few hours later, her shower and Advil leaving her feeling refreshed, although she was still a little down-hearted. But it was as if her burden wasn't so heavy, like she had relieved herself of some of it, although she didn't know why. As she walked into her office to check out the new assignments she saw Nick out of her window, walking out of the lab with Greg. She hustled out again and tried to catch up, calling his name, but he had gone, probably on a case. Catherine decided not to call him, she had a lot of work to do, and would just have to catch up later.

* * *

As Catherine sat down, for what seemed like the first time that day, she sighed. She had just wrapped up her double shift, and she was beat. But, being a supervisor meant her job wasn't quite over yet. She looked over at her clock and it read 3 am. She sighed and pulled a memo towards her, deciding to just do a few before calling it a night. As she worked she found her mind straying. First it went to Nick, she had not had the opportunity to talk to him, they had been out of the lab and then out on location at different times the whole day, and she was the only one left now. But after pondering this for a few moments she found her thoughts shifting, as they always seemed to do, back to a different man. As her thoughts focused on Grissom she felt a weird sense of déjà vu. A sudden flash of memory hit her: the day they had been sitting at a restaurant, waiting for Brass, who was late as usual. He had told her he missed her tush. She smiled as she remembered, but her eyes clouded over. Why was she suddenly feeling so nostalgic all of a sudden?

She tried to concentrate on her work, but she found herself losing her train of thought, her eyes glazing over as exhaustion began to take over. Just as she felt her eyes begin to lose the fight to stay open, a knock sounded at her door. She looked over at the clock once more and 4:30 blazed out at her in bold red colours.

"Come in," she called cautiously. An audible gasp escaped her lips as she took in the person who entered. "Gil?" She asked completely shocked. "What are you doing here?" He looked good, much more relaxed and laid back. Catherine silently cursed, because she knew she probably looked like hell. Grissom just looked at her, and didn't say anything at first, he almost looked nervous. "Is something wrong?" She asked, panic laced her voice.

"No, no I'm fine," he finally said, walking over to sit in a chair directly opposite her. "I actually came because I was worried about you."

"About me?" She asked in confusion. He nodded and searched her face, in that knowing, probing way of his. "Honestly I'm fine," she laminated, trying to kill his piercing look. "Granted being supervisor does mean putting in a few more hours, but I can handle it."

He shook his head, "I was talking about _you_, not your job." Catherine was used to Gil being cryptic, but now she was honestly confused, and slightly angered.

"How would you even know if something was wrong with me?" She surprised even herself with the hostility in her voice. "You haven't called or even wrote me two sentences of an e-mail since you left."

"I know, I know," he said, his genuine tone of regret making her anger fade. "That's another reason why I wanted to talk to you in person, to apologize."

"What's the other reason?" She probed. He looked up at her, his face serious with a tinge of worry.

"How long have you been drinking Catherine?" He asked, "And I'm not talking about one a night, I'm mean excessively."

"What the hell are you talking about?!" She all but shouted, "I have not been going out and getting drunk every night. Just because I may have some problems, and just because my past may be a little sketchy does not mean that I've turned into an alcoholic! I care about my job more than that. Maybe if you actually kept contact you'd know that… Even though you haven't I'd still hope you'd think better of me." She looked at him, hurt shining in her eyes.

"Well what am I supposed to think when you call me completely intoxicated at four in the morning?"

Catherine's eyes widened in shock, "I… I what?"

"Last night you called me and left a… colourful voicemail. I caught the first flight out I could."

"Gil, I swear that was the only time I've done that. It was just… I had so many emotions hitting me at one time I needed a release… What did I say?" It was a question she feared, but knew she needed to ask. Grissom was unsure how to respond, now that he knew she was alright and not spiralling downward out of control he felt nervous.

"You really can't remember?" Catherine could have sworn he sounded disappointed and she closed her eyes, racking her brain. She could remember Nick telling her to get off the phone, but what had she said before that… Oh god, she had said something about Sara. And her tush. Oh no… Her expression seemed to give him an indication she was piecing the puzzle back together.

"Please tell me I didn't," she begged her eyes remaining closed; she was too scared to open them.

"Is it true Cath?" He asked and his tender nuance caused her eyes to shoot open. She stood up and crossed the office, her back to him.

"Even if it was, what does it matter now? You're… wherever you are. You're free from the lab… you have Sara back." She could barely say the last part, causing it to come out as a whisper. She heard a rustling as he got up out of the chair and crossed over to her. He put a hand on her shoulder and gently turned her around.

"Sara and I stopped seeing each other weeks ago. Even without the pressure of our jobs it didn't work out. Then when I got your message I realised how I had treated you and how stupid I had been to not see that my love for you was requited." She looked up at him, completely taken aback.

After allowing herself a few moments to process this she finally spoke. "So… you're saying… that for all these years…" She couldn't bring herself to say it. He took a step back, his arm falling down to his side, fixing her with a gaze that was full of tender emotion.

"Yes Catherine, I love you." She said nothing, just took a step towards him, lifting her arm up to-

"What the hell Gil?!" She cried as she smacked him hard across the arm. His shock at her reaction gave her the chance to continue. "You've been pushing me away, sending me mixed signals," she continued to advance on him, her finger poking him in the chest to emphasize her point. "I'm flirting with you, I'm flirting with Sara. Oh look! Here's a chance we could be together, no- wait, I'll go with Sara!" She had him up against the door by now and she just stood there, chest heaving as she tried to catch her breath. His feelings of guilt kept him mute and she continued with a new softness, apparently having calmed down a little bit more. "All that hurt and the whole time we could have-" She broke off, throwing her hands up in frustration, a hiss of a sigh escaping her lips.

Grissom seemed to have recovered from her outburst and dared to ask, "We could have what?" She turned to look at him, her gaze difficult to read. It wasn't until she began walking towards him again that he braced himself for another attack. He closed his eyes, his body tensing as he prepared himself. She startled him by pressing her lips gently against his. It amazed them both how much they had underestimated what kissing the other would feel like. Catherine was sure, had Grissom's arms not wrapped around her waist, pulling her closer to him, her legs would have given out beneath her. The sudden explosion of fervour that their one kiss was emanating was just as surprising as it was thrilling and passionate. Catherine finally pulled away, gasping for breath as she smiled up at him.

"We could have been doing that," she said breathlessly. He smiled and pulled her close to him, wrapping his arms securely around her body, his chin resting on her head.

"I'm so sorry Catherine," he whispered in her ear.

"Me too," she sighed. "Think of all the time we could have had…"

"We could have the rest of our lives… if you wanted." She twisted a bit, lifting her head up to meet him eye-to-eye.

"But… you've moved on; you have a life somewhere else," she didn't want to talk him out of it, she wanted just the opposite in fact, but rationality had to be factored in.

"Being away from the lab seemed like a god-send at first, but as time wore on I missed it. My job, the people, and you." She smiled at that and laid her head back down on his chest.

"Well," Catherine began after a few minutes, "if you need a place to stay while you're getting everything sorted out…"

He chuckled, "A little forward are we?" She looked up at him and smiled seductively.

"After 20 years, you bet your tush I am!"

**A/N: Eeeeeeeee, I am so sorry it's taken me so long to update this! I've been ridiculously busy and honestly have barely had time to sleep and do homework, let alone anything else. But here it is! And with the closing of my play next week I have some more story ideas brewing in my noggin, so prepare yourselves for more Grillowsness! :D**


End file.
